i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
