Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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