remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
