im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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