My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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