I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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