have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
