Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
