Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
So apparently I’m into choking now
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