she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize