Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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