I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
