drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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