woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize