apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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