I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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