good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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