The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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