My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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