Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
No subtext here. People are naked.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
