FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
