By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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