toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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