i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
