Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
