two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
