i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
