god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
