Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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