Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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