Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
