I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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