We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
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