tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
