I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
