I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I'm sobbing to NWA
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize