can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Randomize
