I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
She's the barista slut.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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