I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
