Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
