Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
