The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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