He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
