The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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