If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
