Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Randomize
