yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
