omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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