I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
