My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
And then he peed in my hair
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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