i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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