HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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