After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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