I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
