I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
