You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
