Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Randomize
