what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
