I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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