It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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