I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
