The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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