those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
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